Aussie, Aussie, Aussie? no, no, no.

WARNING: The following post may contain material that will shock, scare or just plain confuse americans.

You've been warned.


Bad aussie, rotten aussie, crappy aussie-I don't deserve to celebrate australia day on monday because I'm probably the WORST AUSTRALIAN OF ALL TIME. I don't do anything that proper, decent australians do, like eat pavlova. I cant stand pavlova-it's like biting into a polystyrene cup filled with shaving cream. its the most nauseatingly sweet thing ever invented; it's just an enormous sugar crystal stuffed with sugar then covered with more sugar, then topped with fresh fruit so everyone thinks it's healthy. the last time I ate a slice of pavlova, I got two cavities, eight pimples and my blood sugar levels were so high, I couldn't blink for two weeks.
No, I don't deserve to celebrate australia day on monday. I can't even light a barbecue. I know, I know, thats supposed to be an instinctive Australian skill-like being able to eat a chiko roll or opening a twist top with your eye socket. I've seen little newborn Aussie babies, sleeping in their mothers arms, with one hand reaching towards the Weber, the other hand holding a lit match.
but I haven't got that instinctive barbecue-lighting thing. I load the barbecue with wood, kindling and newspaper, then I try lighting it, but it goes out. A friend comes along and says, "Hey what are you doing?" And I say, "I'm trying to light the barbecue." And he says, "It's gas, just turn the bloody knob."
I don't deserve to celebrate australia day on monday and I'll tell you why-I've never watched blue heelers. I NEVER WATCHED A SINGLE EPISODE THE WHOLE TIME IT WAS ON TV. I's a disgrace, it's an outrage. I don't even know who john wood is. He sounds like a porn star. In fact, I have a deep, dark secret and I'm going to reveal it right now... For many years... I used to pronounce "Lisa McCune" as "Lisa McCLUNE". Yes, thats the sad, shocking truth and i have to live with it for the rest of my days - along with not knowing which one of the Daddo boys is Lochie.
I don't like watching cricket, either. Proper, patriotic Australians love watching cricket. They love sitting in front of the television for the best part of the day yelling WAAARRRNEEEEYYYYY every now and then for no particular reason. But not me. I can't get into the game - it's too slow and the rules are confusing. And I don't understand any game where you've got a bunch of elite, world class sportsmen playing at the highest levels of competition and right in the middle of the match they break for tea. Tea! this is not a sport - it's a tupperware party. Every time I watch cricket, I expect someone to come out with a tray of scones and jam.

No, I really don't deserve to celebrate australia day on monday. but I've decided to take the day off anyway. So I guess that makes me Australian enough.

From the VERY PATRIOTIC desk of helio.